All this tangled mess

I want to drink beer with you 

I don’t even like beer

but I want to wear a sun dress with my hair up 

and I want to pretend that I’ve never been sad 

I want to kiss you and kick rocks around with my feet and pretend I don’t hate the feeling of dirty toes 

but you make me feel like I want to believe that tomorrow when I wake up every problem in the world will be solved

a few months ago you looked at me and asked why I always seem to be looking for something 

whatcha lookin for

whatcha lookin for?

you’d always fucking say

I think I’m always looking for something life changing in random people like you

I’ve watched you get fat over the past couple of months

and I’ve watched the person that changed my life in tons

throw a knife at the inflatable raft of the friendship

with my best friend who is ten times pretty than I can ever pretend I am even after a pep-talk from my mom

but I want you to tear off my wrists so I’m not tempted

and I want to sit under a shady tree with you and chug a beer

that I hate

and smoke a blunt that will make me feel like I don’t even want to go to college

I want to cry into your chest and hug my best friend

and thank her for being exactly what I’ve always been looking for 

thank her for not letting me down 

and thank her for helping me survive high school

tonight I am feeling 10,000 pounds lighter

because I know it’s going to be a long ass road

but it’s going to be a fun ride 

and I want you to come because you’re going to teach me how to change the world 

Tonight I’m talking to a boy with gauges and he makes me feel
Out dated
And weathered
Because I’ve never snuck out of my house or been piss face drunk

I don’t want him to know that I am incredibly sensitive and that I love math
Because I like the way 2+2=4
And that I have this intense fixation with being in trouble
Because it makes me feel like I’m doing something right or something completely wrong
Either way I’m still doing more than nothing at all

I’m thinking of telling him that I want to kiss him on the lips and hear compliments fall out of his mouth
And into mine
And I want to swallow them in hopes that it’ll make me feel good and I want to
Throw myself in front of four buses
Because
if he says another word to me ill probably just fall in love with him-
I wonder if anyone notices how I’m uncontrollably in love with
every boy
But this boy kind of resembles Jesus Christ
So I think that means something good

Today I burned the flowers you got me and after I felt absolutely nothing at all You know Sometimes I feel like a soggy pile of dead wood That was left to rot in your backyard Because its no longer good enough to smolder in your fire place During boring family gatherings Where all of the smiles are as manufactured as the processed cheeses that are left on the counter And the presents are all covered in out dated gift wrap that no one appreciates The other day a boy I think is very nice Told me that my poems made him cry And I knew he wasn’t lying because he told me not to tell anyone But I can’t keep that secret because what’s the beauty in that If the world never knows that you were moved by a series of words That made you feel any sort of way I want everyone to know that I am not very pleased with the way my life is going but I am very pleased with the way my life is not going I am not terminally ill and I am not disappointing my parents what else matters I hope one day you realize that- Never mind

There is a boy named Matt who I think resembles
every characteristic of a boy
that I would fall madly
In love with

I want to ask him how many times in his life
He has fallen 500 feet below sea level
I want to know when exactly was the last time he cried until he felt sick
Because he strikes me as the type of kid
That holds unreal amounts of pain
In all of his organs
And wonders when and where
He will figure out why

I want to tell him that every night I have to sleep with my bedroom windows open
No matter what the temperature
Because I’m afraid that if I die in my sleep
Then my soul will never get out
And some nights my head hurts so much
I want to ask him if he ever thinks about train wrecks and car accidents
And the aunts and uncles of the victims
That were close but not close enough to know the victim’s shoe size or anything important
But hey Matt

Tonight, just now, after approximately 7 months of loving a boy that does not love me back
I told him
And I cried for 25 minutes
And then I thought
There is something all entirely new planned for me
So now I’m going to heal
And for some odd reason and some odd timing
I realized that through you
So thanks
And I’ll see ya ‘round

I am going to take at least 7 different hard drugs
And dye my hair red
Or maybe green
I’m going to get a tattoo sleeve of meaningless tattoos that I will later get removed when I want to apply for a job
And cut uneven bangs with kitchen scissors
That don’t compliment any part of my uneven bone structure

I’m going to speed to your house when it’s acid raining
And when you’re parents aren’t home
So that it’ll be like a disney movie
When everyone is conveniently not around when you don’t want them to be
And I’m going to scream until my throat caves in
Here’s what I’m going to say

“I have loved you unconditionally for two long years now you bubbling idiot
I want to throw dirty rocks at you
Because I cry myself to sleep after every time we hangout
You have single handedly tried to get with all of my best friends
( at this point my makeup would be streaming down my face)
I like you so much that it has turned into hate
Just raw hate
That simmers in my blood stream
All day

Please tell me what exactly is it
That I’m lacking
That you see in every other girl you meet that resembles me Can you tell me because I’m not laughing anymore- I don’t get it
I could rip a cement sidewalk off of a road
I am so angry I am so confused

I sprint around my stupid block a million times
Because if I don’t run enough
Then I won’t feel like I’m going to throw up
And I’ll still be
Entrenched
In thoughts of you holding other girls hands And telling them that they’re exactly what you’ve always wanted Exactly everything that you never found In all of your life

Thank you dearly
For consistently reminding me of
Everything ill never be
You’re so thoughtful
Excuse me while I throw myself into the middle of the highway”

And then I’m going to drive away down the dirt road with the radio blasting so you cant hear me sobbing and I’ll tell myself that I will surely never see you again
Until the next day when I see you in class
And you tap my shoulder and ask me what I got for number 5

I have proven to be 547 different types of disappointing
Ask my mom

Today of all days I feel weathered
And dusty
Like my father
I feel like writing a bunch of letters to all the boys I’ve ever loved
And telling them
That today of all days I feel worn

I set my alarm for 6:30 am
So I could get an early start to a full day of being disappointed and disappointing
All at once
I’m a circus

Seven of my closest friends have boyfriends
I have a wooden back scratcher
And a Keurig- what else is there
I like to watch them hug their boyfriends
I feel like I’m living my life through their skin

Because my skin is cracked and dry
From years of trudging through the sandy vast lands
That I call high school
And I prefer to stay away from black colors because my mom says
It doesn’t work for me
But look

I could disappear for 3 years
And Id get back and hug you
And thank you for praying for me
And you’d say what
I didn’t even notice you were gone

I am perfectly content
Never speaking to you ever again
That’s what I would say to you if it was true
But somedays I do wish we never met
Because now I do things like trip over air
And fumble on words
Because you take up 95.2% of my brain
But I no longer occupy any of yours it’s okay
You’ve exhausted every feeling known to man kind.

Tonight
A boy I think I like very much texted me and said hey guess what
So I immediately started guessing
In my head

I thought
Is he going to tell me that he thinks I am the most beautiful and angelic creature he’s ever seen or
Is he going to tell me that I remind him of a warm summer night
In a backyard that has a grill and a pool
And no one has to wear shoes or change out of their bathing suits all day

Maybe he is going to tell me that he can’t stop thinking about the way I use words
And that my writing moves him
To become a better person
So he’s going to donate to a million and three charities
And go to Africa for a month to comfort young children
All because of me

Maybe maybe
He wanted to tell me that
I remind him a lot of his mother-
Someone he looks up to greatly
Because she is wise and humble and bakes well
And looks good in an apron

Instead
All he said was
“Today is red hat society day”

Tonight my friend Alexa and I sat on my couch and talked about what we want to be when we grow up 

then I realized that I am grown up 

and instead of feeling sad or underwater

I felt extremely happy- I felt extremely excited because I can’t wait to deal with problems that are far greater than those that involve boys that don’t see past boobs

I always used to get so mad when I would hear kids that love math and science say things like

“At least I will have a job waiting for me when I graduate unlike those art kids”

And then I realized that I would absolutely hate to have my life set up for me

I want to be hungry 

and I want to be able to not afford things

and I want to cry on my mom’s shoulder when I’m 25 

I want to collapse on ground of the alter of my church and confess everything I’ve done wrong

and when I have kids I want to be able to go on adventures with them in rain boots and tell them that as long as they live, they should do their best to never do anything that makes sense

I want to splash in puddles until I’m 85

and when I’m on my death bed I want to know in my heart that 

I’ve built everything I’ve ever stood on

and I’ve found meaning in whatever it is that makes me myself

I want to feel accomplished that I’ve laughed until I’ve cried

and that I’ve cried until I’ve puked 

And I want to remember all the times that my heart has been broken 

I want to know that I’ve found God and that I’ve found hope in things that seem utterly hopeless 

I want to know that I did it right

I did it all right

I’m going to tell you something
That is completely true from
The beginning to the end
I’m not going to make it sound anyway
I’m not going to use connotative diction
I’m not going to use analogies and rhetorical questions

I just wanted to say that the flowers you got me are wilting
But I keep them on my dresser
I haven’t chewed a single piece of the Zebra Striped gum that you brought me back from Vermont
I keep it under my bed so I don’t see it

You remind me of a less confused version of myself
As if I was stranded on a deserted island
And had nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs that would be you you are so content
Rotting

But you are growing
And every time I see you you look
Three feet taller
Or maybe I’m three feet smaller because you make me feel like a crushed ant
Underneath my floorboards

I want to know what you think about dirt
And then I want to think nothing else for the rest of forever
I just get so-

deerthroat:

ghosts aren’t always dead and phantom limbs aren’t always in your head

(via burning-words)